This blog post is heavily based on an email I sent out to a very close friend of mine. I also feel this post very important and I urge all of my friends to read it and understand it.
I'll not be going to university this year, or any year for the foreseeable future.
Allow me to explain:
When we all started applying back in Glyn, I was never 100% sure that a degree was what I wanted; rather, I felt it was what was "expected" of me. I'm not blaming anyone, especially not the kind souls at Glyn. I suppose it is the "natural progression" from A-levels but it never seemed to sit with me as what I wanted to do. I actually had no clear plan what I wanted to be (and don't; yes I have ambitions but I don't want to set out on a journey I am not sure is right for me). Because of what happened at Glyn; the huge group "let's open a UCAS account" sessions I felt... ashamed and unsure of what people would think of me for not wanting this. Would I be seen differently; like I was somehow "less intelligent" or "less of a person"?
The past year has given me time to completely suss things out. It's been a wasted year, yes but I intend to change this and have already got some firm leads to get into employment - a good sign! I don't care what I end up doing, anything would be nice to get an honest wage I expect, and I can build from there.
University is also a hideously expensive prospect. Even with the loan it's still £20,000 of debt, and I am not prepared (and, after discussing with my parents, I should absolutely not even think about getting myself into this sort of debt) to incur this cost if I am not absolutely committed to the course and ideals. To make this sort of investment I'd need to be certain I knew what I was doing was right; and this is not something I can say. My parents had offered to find ways to afford it; again, I can't possibly lead them up the garden path and expect them to pay for something I'm not 100% sure I wanted in the first place. I know it's clinical, but it's too expensive a decision to be unsure of and hope for the best with.
A lesser factor is that I feel I'd not really like the whole experience; I'm a reserved person really, as you may well have gathered. I'd not look forward to various social situations that I know would arise. Looking at the induction paperwork made me think that all I'd want to do that day is to go home. It's not a sentiment I wish to pay £20,000 for and devote years doing when I could better use the time to enrich myself another way. But this pales in comparison to the "not committed enough to get in this amount of debt" point.
I led people up the garden path. I'll explain: I felt ashamed for making this huge U-turn, and as above maybe felt that I'd be judged negatively for not wanting to take this path. Silly, I know, as I spoke to my mum about it and she respected my decision entirely; and only wish I'd told her sooner. Rather decide now then before I have begun investing large sums of money and time in an endeavour I haven’t the will to commit to.
I'd also led people up the garden path by doing the application etc – I can only very humbly and truthfully apologise. I did this because I felt it would maybe help the idea to bed in with me and I'd somehow lose my misgivings. This didn't occur. I just didn't feel committed to the whole notion; hence I did few open days and little research into things.
I also took the gap year option as a "way out" of going to something I was very unsure and uneasy of.
The main thing is, I'm more at ease with my decision and that it is now out in the open to the people that need to know. They didn't think less of me after all, so I was wrong. It also changes the game plan; I can look for more prosperous work prospects to start a career in something different. I'll still be politically active I expect, and this path is much better then the "career politician" route that the university stuff was kind of setting up.
I felt guilty for lying to people about this, to save face (which turned out to be unnecessary completely) and I can only apologise most humbly to everyone who I led to believe I’d made a different decision. I expect you'll be disappointed in my decision, but knowing this is a decision I am happier with.
Feel free to leave your comments, thoughts and opinions but respect that this decision, though long in the making and hideously overdue, is final and irreversible (for myself as it’s my underlying thoughts, plus I never applied for the loan). It was the basis of over two years of serious misgivings that needed a definite answer. This blog post is the general announcement of that answer which everyone is entitled to know.
I’ll not be responding to any comments left on this post. Thanks for understanding. :~)
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